For some guys, anger management means sitting on a yoga mat and visualizing waterfalls. But for those of us with shorter attention spans–and fuses–the answer is immediate gratification meditation.
Below, you’ll find some on-demand chants from Dan Zevin’s new book, Very Modern Mantras: Daily Affirmations for Daily Aggravations. To achieve instant inner peace, simply mutter them over and over whenever you’re about to completely lose your shit.
Modern Mantra #1: “I WILL NOT LOSE MY SHIT AT STARBUCKS.”
Chant when the customer in front of you has spent ten minutes special-ordering–and reordering–their foam-free, half-soy, pumpkin spice latte (no pumpkin, no spice).
Modern Mantra #2: “BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE AT THE GYM.”
Chant while wiping grunting guy’s back-sweat off of bench press.
Modern Mantra #3: “MY PIZZA WILL ARRIVE WHENEVER IT IS MEANT TO ARRIVE.”
Chant for 59 minutes until ordering Chinese.
Modern Mantra #4: “I AM GRATEFUL MY COLLEAGUE LIKED MY IDEA ENOUGH TO STEAL IT.”
Chant while accidentally gluing colleague’s laptop shut.
Modern Mantra #5: “THE ROBOCALLS WILL NOT SEND ME INTO A RAGE SPIRAL.”
Chant before threatening those who wish to conduct important personal business.
Modern Mantra #6: “I AM NOT TURNING INTO MY FATHER.”
Chant in plaid pajamas and padded sneakers.
Modern Mantra #7: “I AM INSPIRED BY THE PERFECT LIVES I SEE ON INSTAGRAM.”
Chant when you are envious/jealous/spiteful of the perfect lives you see on Instagram.
Modern Mantra #8: “I WILL NOT COMMIT ELDER ABUSE ON THE CUSTOMER PAYING IN PENNIES.”
Chant in checkout line of CVS.
Modern Mantra #9: “I AM DONE ORDERING 5% OF THE DINNER AND PAYING 50% OF THE CHECK.”
Chant after they order fourth bottle of wine.
Modern Mantra #10: “I DETACH FROM THE D-BAG AT THE STADIUM SHOW.”
Chant upon being jabbed by fellow fan’s air-guitar and/or moistened by fellow fan’s beer.
For more of your modern mantra needs, check out these meditation videos and pick up Very Modern Mantras: Daily Affirmations for Daily Aggravations, on sale beginning October 8.
