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As we enter the final week of the regular season before the NFL’s elimination tournament, it’s important to reflect on the events of the past 17 weeks and, more importantly, how Tom Brady has let me down.
Because, of course he has. He hates me and, I assure you, the feeling is mutual.
I’ve included the Tampa Bay Buccaneers three times in my picks here, twice as locks and once as the Thursday Night Football game. Twice I have picked them to cover. Both times they did not.
And, as with everything else that Tom Brady does, I took it personally. This was directed at me. It was an attack on me and my character.
But, here’s the problem. The Bucs still won those games, even if they didn’t cover. In the preseason, I made what I thought at the time, and still do, The Most Boring Super Bowl Pick in NFL History, where I detailed exactly how we would get a rematch between Tampa Bay and the Kansas City Chiefs.
My history with Tom Brady is one of wounded hearts, dashed hopes and broken dreams — all mine. So, as we gear up for our playoff runs, wager accordingly at MaximBet.
We still have one final full slate of games with which to grow our bank accounts and maybe pay off some of those Christmas bills, so I have flipped through the NFL odds and lines at MaximBet to once again hand pick some wagers just for you.
Lock Of The Week
Cincinnati Bengals at Cleveland Browns (-6)
Bengals head coach Zac Taylor is sitting Joe Burrow in this game to get all his bumps and bruises healed up in time for Cincinnati’s inevitable Wild Card round defeat.
Browns head coach Kevin Stefanski is sitting Baker Mayfield for health reasons, specifically his own as at this point, he’s just sick of looking at Mayfield’s stupid face.
As such, this will be another classic Case Keenum vs. Branden Allen quarterback duel, one you’ll be telling your grandkids about. Allen is a serious downgrade from Burrow. Keenum is probably a significant upgrade over Mayfield at this point.
Take the Browns at -6
Worst Games Of The Week
Chicago Bears at Minnesota Vikings (-4)
Washington Football Team (-7) at New York Giants
Considering most of the NFL has been eliminated from playoff contention, this was a surprisingly tough week to find garbage games. NFL Red Zone’s Scott Hanson has probably not been this excited to hold in his piss for seven straight hours on a final week since he got the job.
Still, we have a couple of stinkers to pick from because Kirk Cousins and Joe Judge have made sure of it.
As of this writing, the Bears haven’t announced a starting QB, but the Vikings have. Kirk “Covid” Cousins makes his not so triumphant return after costing his team any chance at the playoffs with his “personal choice.”
This game has some added intrigue of likely being Mike Zimmer and Matt Nagy’s last time ever coaching an NFL team… at least until the Jacksonville Jaguars are hiring again.
The WFT is probably just glad to be outside of their own dilapidated, human shit-soaked stadium for their final foray into football. Joe Judge spent the week actively trying to get the league to drug test him after a crackhead rant about his coaching prowess followed with a meth-fueled defense of said rant with the media.
He too should be loaded up into the nearest trebuchet and fired over the castle walls before the echo of the final whistle fades Sunday afternoon.
Take the Vikings moneyline (if Nick Foles doesn’t start for the Bears) and/or the WFT moneyline. But don’t feel bad about skipping them.
A Shocking Upset Of The Green Bay Packers
While Aaron Rodgers says he will play this week against the Detroit Lions, I can’t believe it will be a full game since this one is more meaningless than a Lions first round draft pick.
The Pack have already clinched everything they can and Rodgers’ toe is still jacked up, but don’t ask him about it or he’ll show it to you.
Jared Goff is back for the Lions after an injury sabbatical and this is the perfect game for him to show up and give Detroit some hope for next season before dashing it to bits in a Week 1 loss to the Jaguars.
Take the Lions at +4.
Drop $10 On A Four-Team Parlay
And when my time is up, have I done enough? Will they tell my story? Oh, I can’t wait to see you again. It’s only a matter of time. Will they tell your story? The will if you drop a Hamilton and win this final four-team parlay.
This one will make your knees weak.
As we always do, we start with our upset pick moneyline—Lions +155. To that, we’re going to add Eagles +250, Steelers +175 and, I hope you are sitting down, Jaguars +650.
The Philadelphia Eagles are hosting a Dallas Cowboys team coming off a loss that squarely falls at the feet of head coach Mike McCarthy. Of course, McCarthy can’t see it. He’s not been able to view his feet in years.
Neither team is playing for anything and, if McCarthy wasn’t an idiot, they’d pull their starters in the second half. They probably won’t, because they’ll be behind.
The Pittsburgh Steelers have a scenario against a depleted and demoralized Baltimore Ravens team, where they can end up in the playoffs for one final, albeit very short, run with Ben Roethlisbeger.
TJ Watt is eyeing the all-time sack mark. Over their five-game losing streak, Ravens QBs have been sacked 17 times. Seven of those came against the Steelers in the Week 13 game that injured Lamar Jackson and started the streak.
And, finally, here’s a stat that will blow your mind. The Indianapolis Colts have not defeated the Jacksonville Jaguars on the road since 2014. It doesn’t matter who’s coaching or who’s playing quarterback for either team.
A $10 winning bet on this four-team parlay pays $1,840.
Adam Greene is @TheFirstMan on Twitter.
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