There are plenty of ways to “win” an argument that are involve just being manipulative, abusive, or otherwise shitty to the other person. In an era of polarized opinions and overheated arguments—to put it lightly—the art of engaging in thoughtful, productive debates feels futile.
While there are many tactics to “win” an argument, true progress comes from approaches that prioritize understanding and respect. Here are some strategies to apply when you genuinely want to have a good-faith conversation and reach a better understanding with others.
Establish ground rules
Depending on how formal the conversation feels, it might help to agree on some basic ground rules for the discussion. Before diving into contentious topics, pitch these to the other person:
No personal attacks or name-calling
Taking turns speaking without interruption
A commitment to remain respectful even in disagreement
Agreement to take breaks if emotions run high
Having these guidelines in place can help maintain a constructive atmosphere throughout the debate.
Commit to active listening
Before entering any debate, make a conscious commitment to truly listen to the other person. Active listening involves more than just waiting for your turn to speak. It means giving your full attention to the speaker and trying to understand their perspective, even if you disagree with it. Instead of immediately spinning up counter-arguments to fight for your own side, ask clarifying questions and summarize what you’ve heard to confirm your understanding. This also helps the other person hear exactly what their points sound like.
By actively listening, you demonstrate respect for the other person’s viewpoint and create an atmosphere conducive to mutual understanding. (Here are some more tips to improve your active listening skills.)
Seek common ground
Begin the conversation by identifying areas of agreement. This establishes a foundation of shared values or interests, which can help bridge differences later in the discussion. For example, try something as direct as, “Before we dive into our disagreements, can we talk about what we both agree on regarding this issue?” If you can’t find a scrap of common reality, then there might not be much point in getting into a senseless fight. Finding common ground humanizes both parties and reminds everyone that you’re on the same team in seeking the best outcome.
Use “I” statements
A classic for a reason. Frame your arguments using “I” statements rather than accusatory “you” statements. To paraphrase every family therapist I’ve ever had, this approach:
Takes ownership of your feelings and opinions
Reduces defensiveness in the other person
Keeps the focus on your perspective rather than attacking theirs
For example, instead of saying, “You’re completely wrong about this,” try, “I see this issue differently, and here’s why…”
Prioritize curiosity over conviction
I’ve written before about my mantra of prioritizing curiosity over performance in conversations. Similarly, you should enter any debate or disagreement with a genuine curiosity to learn, not just to prove your point. Ask yourself:
What might I not understand about their perspective?
What experiences have shaped their views?
What can I learn from this conversation, even if we continue to disagree?
This mindset shift can transform a potential argument into an opportunity for growth and deeper understanding.
Be open to changing your mind
I get it—if you’re arguing about whether or not it’s hateful rhetoric to suggest that immigrants in Ohio are eating housepets, you might not be feeling open-minded. Still, debates become stuck when people focus solely on their positions rather than the underlying interests. Try to uncover the core concerns and motivations behind each person’s stance. This can reveal unexpected areas of alignment and open up new possibilities for resolution.
In the same vein, enter the debate with the genuine willingness to have your mind changed if presented with compelling evidence or arguments. Even if you don’t ultimately change your position, this attitude fosters a more productive exchange.
Practice empathy
Make a conscious effort to empathize with the other person’s position. Try to understand not just their logical arguments, but also their emotional investment in the topic. Acknowledging their feelings can go a long way in building rapport and fostering a more constructive dialogue.
Separate facts from interpretations
In any debate, it’s crucial to distinguish between objective facts and subjective interpretations. Be clear about which is which in your own arguments, and ask for clarification when the other person presents information that blurs the lines. This practice helps focus disagreements on interpretations and opinions, rather than basic facts—because if the other person in the conversation lets facts fly out the window, you’ll know your real struggle is to find that common ground at all, and it might not be possible.
The bottom line: Aim for progress, not “winning”
Shift your goal from “winning” the debate to making progress on the issue. This might mean finding areas of compromise and agreeing on shared principles, even if specific solutions differ.
Unfortunately, applying these strategies to your debates takes a lot of practice and patience—and, in personal experience, swallowing a lot of pride. It’s not always easy, especially when discussing deeply held beliefs or emotionally charged topics. However, by committing to these principles, you create the conditions for more thoughtful, productive, and ultimately satisfying exchanges. Remember, the goal isn’t to defeat the other person, but to advance understanding and find better solutions together.
