My daughter knows I use a pomodoro type system to concentrate on work for 30 minutes and then take a break for 5 to 10 minutes. If I say I’m too busy to play dolls with her, she will say “How about when you take your break?” Sometimes I say yes, but sometimes I need my breaks for folding laundry, reading, or staring out the window in silence. While our arrangement works, I’ve wondered if it strikes the right balance between play time and me time.
“Parents are often pulled in multiple directions and can’t stop what they are doing every time their kids want to play,” said Katie Dilzell, an educator with The Parenting Center. “This can be hard for young children to understand, and parents must choose their words carefully.”
What to say when you don’t want to play
I asked parenting experts Dilzell and Mariel Benjamin, a child development specialist at Cooper, for advice on how to say “no” to play. They suggested trying these phrases with your kids:
Offer an alternative time to play
“I cannot play airplanes with you right now. I will be able to when I finish work.”
“Right now, I need to finish preparing for tomorrow. Would you like to play that game after I’m done?”
Invite them to join in what you are doing
“I am reading right now so I cannot play dollhouse. Would you like to read with me?”
“I’m really busy with dinner right now, and I could use your help. Would you like to set the table or peel the carrots?”
Set a boundary
“I can play dress up for 10 minutes and then I need to fold laundry.”
“I don’t want to play dinosaurs now, but I would like to watch you play while I finish my work.”
Why saying “no” is actually good for kids
Saying “no” sometimes can benefit kids by promoting self-regulation, cooperation, and other life skills by narrating your thought process, Benjamin said.
“For example say, ‘I wish I could play, but I have to go to work now. Playing can happen tonight when we are both home,’” she said. “Then if your child has a tantrum or gets upset, you can validate that emotion and hold the boundary: ‘I know that you’re disappointed, but we have places to go right now.’ Show your child that you can handle their distress and be sensitive to how they feel.”
Help them build up to more independent play, Dilzell said, by putting together a box of activities they can do alone (like Play-Doh, puzzles, blocks, or coloring).
“If your child wants to play and it’s not a good time, direct them to the box”, she said. “Alternatively, you could suggest one or two activities for your child to consider: ‘While you wait for me, why don’t you play with your trains or read a book?’ If your child is older, you might suggest an area of the house where your child can play: ‘Can you go play in your room or the backyard for 15 minutes?’ Be sure to check in at the agreed time.”
“Of course, the goal is for your child to engage in independent play without any prompting. This type of play leads to enhanced creativity and problem-solving skills. It allows your child to experiment and develop their own interests without outside interference. And, for many children, playing independently can be a calming activity. The benefits extend to both the child and the parent by freeing up some much-needed time,” Dilzell said.
Make sure you’re still connecting
Saying “no” to play gives your kids a good example of setting healthy boundaries.
“Explaining to them what we need to prioritize, what we need and choose to spend our time doing, can help them learn to take better care of themselves as they grow,” Benjamin said.
But if you’re worried you’re saying “no” too often, take into account how many moments of connection you are having with your child.
“This is for every parent and child to balance for themselves,” Benjamin said. “Some children need or want more of our involvement, and some parents/children are more or less attuned to one another. The most important thing is to make sure there are plenty of moments of shared engagement between you and your child. These don’t need to be around play, but they certainly can be.”
Kilzell advises aiming for 15 minutes of focused (device-free) “special” time with your younger child every day.
“If possible, let your child decide how to spend that special 15 minutes. You might try a walk around the neighborhood or an afternoon dance party. For older children, make special time at least once a week. Plan an outing that both of you will enjoy such as a trip to the park or ice cream shop,” she said. “When you make special time a part of your routine, it makes it easier to say ‘no’ at other times.”
